Duster may not see it, may not guess it, but half the tension drains out of Kesara all at once. It leaves her giddy, as though a real weight quickly rushed out of her head and all her muscles. She had been terrified. That qualifier, physical, means very little to her young mind, where the notion of emotional hurt is a vague shapeless one. He won't kill her. The mistake won't cost her life.
She's left with the other half - the fear that he won't trust her, that he'll see her only through that mistake, and the guilt that comes with that. She understands just how badly she'd fumbled. The cost of a life. It was exactly as Lady Gavin had always said about the Great Game. A lesson she had always been so determined not to learn on her own flesh - or another's.
She swallows hard, and does manage to get the lump in her throat down. It's easier to speak like that.] I - I understand - though - I wasn't getting involved, I wasn't trying to open it up again. I know what you said to me about that. I only meant to ask how Ecks was doing, and she mentioned you, and then it - she - it went wrong. I mean I went wrong.
[It did not "go wrong" by some mystical process. It was her. It's on her.]
But Ecks, she was involved because House is her teacher, and I was involved because I care about Ecks - like Mr. Solomons was involved because he's your friend. I don't know what Dr. Watson's business is. But the rest of it, I don't know how - how anything can be just between two men.
[Why is she talking back to him at all - what right does she have? None. But she wants to understand. Only by understanding will she be able to affect anything.]
no subject
Duster may not see it, may not guess it, but half the tension drains out of Kesara all at once. It leaves her giddy, as though a real weight quickly rushed out of her head and all her muscles. She had been terrified. That qualifier, physical, means very little to her young mind, where the notion of emotional hurt is a vague shapeless one. He won't kill her. The mistake won't cost her life.
She's left with the other half - the fear that he won't trust her, that he'll see her only through that mistake, and the guilt that comes with that. She understands just how badly she'd fumbled. The cost of a life. It was exactly as Lady Gavin had always said about the Great Game. A lesson she had always been so determined not to learn on her own flesh - or another's.
She swallows hard, and does manage to get the lump in her throat down. It's easier to speak like that.] I - I understand - though - I wasn't getting involved, I wasn't trying to open it up again. I know what you said to me about that. I only meant to ask how Ecks was doing, and she mentioned you, and then it - she - it went wrong. I mean I went wrong.
[It did not "go wrong" by some mystical process. It was her. It's on her.]
But Ecks, she was involved because House is her teacher, and I was involved because I care about Ecks - like Mr. Solomons was involved because he's your friend. I don't know what Dr. Watson's business is. But the rest of it, I don't know how - how anything can be just between two men.
[Why is she talking back to him at all - what right does she have? None. But she wants to understand. Only by understanding will she be able to affect anything.]