[IC Inbox -- Snowblind]

[heavensreader]

Is it worki - oh. Ahem. This is Kesara Freamon. Please leave your message here and I will call back on you as soon as I can.







Wait, is it still - argh, how do I ma-

Comments

[heavensreader]

[Kesara makes a less than satisfied noise.] A lot of people used to trust him, but they don't know the new one. I wouldn't just trust the new one. Besides... the old one was a good man, but, the sort of people who'd be loyal to him are not the sort of people who cause trouble anyway, aren't they?

[devoutish]

I didn't trust the old one, either. I believe he had good intentions, right, but I would not put my life on the line for him, and I would not follow his orders. What would you have done about people like me, or about people who would cause trouble?

[heavensreader]

[This is one of those things that Kesara needs to think about. It's a long minute before she answers.]

I've heard that criminals only follow brute strength. But that's ridiculous. The smugglers I travel with, Roksann and Lao Dian... Roksann is much stronger than Lao Dian. She can shoot and fence better than a British officer, and he's a cripple. But when he says to do something, she listens to him because she knows he'll get her what she wants. It's not because he's a good man, either. It's because she knows, when you listen to him, good things happen... and when you don't, bad things do.

[devoutish]

But I don't feel that way about Steve, yeah? I don't feel that way about anybody here.

[heavensreader]

Do you feel that way about anybody back home, Mr. Solomons? Or, when you were younger?

[devoutish]

When I was very young, I felt that way about my dad.

I've told you I was in a war, yeah?

[heavensreader]

[Oh, this sounds like a story. Kesara's attention, already focused, immediately strains to go up yet another notch.]

You did, but, you didn't say anything about your father in it.

[devoutish]

Nah, I wasn't putting those two together. My father wasn't in that war.

But I was, as a soldier. Not a commander. I did follow a commander; a sergeant. But things were very different there then they are here.

[heavensreader]

[So that would be two stories, quite possibly. What a lucky Kesara she is today!]

Why were they so different? I mean - I know we are not at war, but I think, it's a little similar when conditions are so hard and everyone might die at any moment. Isn't it?

[devoutish]

A bit. But it's not similar enough to treat the same way.

Kesara, tell me - why do you want to do this?

[heavensreader]

I'll - I'll explain if you tell me the story about your sergeant. In the war.

[You can't leave her hanging like this, Mr. Solomons, honestly.]

[devoutish]

It's not much of a story. He's an example of someone I followed, yeah? But we were from the same country, fighting for the same goal. We agreed on who our enemies were. There was none of the uncertainty that there is here.

[heavensreader]

That's the problem, that's exactly it. That uncertainty.

[She echoes his tone exactly, though with a shade more vehemence.]

I'm frightened. I'm not meant to be, since in the Great Game, many times I won't know who is with me or against me. That's how the Game is played! But I don't know and I'm scared. In Serindia I understood men. I knew what to do. Here I don't understand anything. I feel like such a fool sometimes!

[devoutish]

People are people everywhere.

[He's been able to use that to his own advantage, up to a point.]

But it is different, when those people are from places we can't even imagine. It means there's angles that we can't always predict. I do not judge you for being frightened, Kesara. I've seen you keep your head when you need to, and that's the important thing. Yeah? That's when it counts.

[heavensreader]

That's what I said, too... but I still made all those mistakes.

[She isn't speaking entirely to him now. It's a moment of musing, a little morose, and under that, angry. A lot angry.]

I always need to keep my head, Mr. Solomons. It's very tiring. I'm - I'm not so old yet. Not so strong.

[devoutish]

What other mistakes did you make?

[heavensreader]

I thought I could get Duster to - to do what I wanted, and I was wrong. And before, when I lied to Zach and hurt him so... and now with Ecks. People are the same, but the way they look at me is different. It makes such a big difference!

[devoutish]

How do they look at you now, and how do you want them to look at you?

[heavensreader]

Oah, in Serindia no one hardly ever looks at me. Because I'm a girl, and half-caste... no one is easier to trick than people who think they're much too smart to be tricked by the likes of you. But here they don't make this mistake, and I have to keep thinking of new tricks all the time. And maybe I'm...

[She falls silent. The end of that sentence is horrifying to contemplate.]

[devoutish]

Mm?

[It's an encouraging sound. Go on, Kesara.]

[heavensreader]

[Maybe I'm not - maybe I'm not -

She is not gracing that thought with a voice. No. She refuses.]

... it's only that it's tiring. And I have other things to do. Important things.

[devoutish]

What do your teachers tell you about mistakes, at home?

[heavensreader]

That depends on how bad they were. Sometimes Dr. Stein would say we cannot learn without making mistakes. But other times... other times she would say a thing was unworthy of me.

[devoutish]

[The more Alfie hears about Dr. Stein, the more he approves.]

I do not think this was a mistake that was unworthy of you.

[heavensreader]

You're nothing like Dr. Stein at all, Mr. Solomons.

[She says it with a little laugh. But there's something loose about her breathing in it, that says his words have found their mark.]

Maybe - maybe it's one of those mistakes that I need to learn by making. But isn't that a terrible thing to say about a mistake that someone's died for? Duster shouldn't have died to teach me. He wouldn't like to think so.