heavensreader | [IC Inbox -- Snowblind]

[Kesara watches the message the first time, and doesn't understand it. She watches it a second time, and understands it, and doesn't believe it. She watches it a third time.

She sits with her back to the wall while the world spins around her, full of confusion and darkness and Kunsel's whirling numbers and odds, and feels like the wall is tipping over and tumbling into an abyss.

After a time that her tablet tells her is just ten minutes, but the tablet must be lying because it must have been months, she tries to reply. She switches her voice function on. She starts to say how, but there's a strange sound in her ears, like a tiny, breathless, broken wail, the noise of an small animal in physical pain. It's only when she runs out of air that she realises that sound is coming from her.]

[ It's a couple of minutes before Steph can respond, because that wail broke her heart and started her sobbing herself. She finally does manage to speak, mostly clearly. ]

I'm. I'm headed your way, first thing. We-- I have rations for you.

I don't want rations!

[It is a completely unreasonable response. Kesara likes to be reasonable. She does not like to wail and she does not like to cry. She is not making a good impression on Zach's lady, who is a brave vigilante hero. This is not a dignified response, not a worthy response...]

I want him not to be dead! Make him not be dead!

I wish I could.

[ Her voice is a raspy whisper, heavy with tears. She's supposed to be the strong hero, and there wasn't anything she could do. She can't even keep herself together for one sad little girl. ]

I'm sorry.

[She should be sorry, something thinks savagely in Kesara's mind, just as it howled for Jim's blood when he'd told her about Kunsel's death. Sorry for outliving ones she loves. As before, her shock explodes into a mix of pain and rage. And it's only the sound of Steph's tears that lets the former overwhelm the latter.

Her own voice cracks, from shouting to a plea.] How? What happened? Tell me...!

T-the roof came down on us. In the school. [ She sniffles and takes a moment to rub at her face again. She knows she's just smearing the blood around her face, but it makes her feel a little better. Hidden, secure. ]

He pushed me out of the way. Some of the roof, it... I couldn't stop the bleeding. I called for help, but no one came.

[Couldn't stop the bleeding. No one came. The realisation is horrible, a physical spike up from Kesara's gut into her throat. He bled to death. It wasn't quick.

She feels like she might vomit. She swallows, and again. At least it breaks her anger at Steph. Who had been there. Who was helpless.

There's blood everywhere. Her voice is still shrill with broken shock.] Steph, are - are you hurt?

I'm fine. I'm- [ Terrible, miserable, dead inside ] bruised, probably some cuts, but nothing serious.

[ She hasn't even taken inventory of her own injuries yet. Maybe one of the cuts will get infected. Maybe she'll die of gangrene. Wouldn't that be fun. ]

[Nothing serious. That means that blood must be Zach's. So much blood. She hasn't seen so much of his blood since the illusion of him had cut his own throat in front of her.

For a long moment from Kesara's end, there are only labouring breaths, the sound of someone trying not to heave.]

I - I need to - I need to come find you - I need to come -

[ She swallows thickly and nods, forgetting for a moment that she's not really looking at the camera. Numbness is taking over again, and it leaves her feeling empty and lightheaded. ]

Be careful. I'm in the shed still, by the school. I'll come meet you.

I need to - but it'll take some time and it's just me here and - and -

[The heaves get the better of her, sucking air in and out, until they turn to great shaking sobs.]

Why did he go, why did he leave us alone like this!

[ For a long time she doesn't know what to say. She can't offer anything comforting, can't even find the heart to say something bitter and awful. What can she offer? ]

He saved my life.

[ Did she say that already? She can't remember, and she doesn't care. ]

[It's not a comfort. It's not what she wanted to hear. It is Zach, though, it's just like him. Probably acting without thinking, but if there wasn't time to think... it's Zach dying for someone he loved. He loved her.

He wouldn't be dead otherwise. But he is dead. Kesara knows what she ought to do, even in the heat of grief. Maybe doing it will help. Maybe. Even on the off-chance that something will help - ]

So - so you'd better stay alive - right, Steph? He'd have said that, right? Is that right?

[ She feels like she should probably smile. Yes, he wanted her to stay alive. She would never have chosen it, but he did, and she has to live with his decision. She has to live. ]

He said to get to you.

[Has she said it right? Kesara is honestly not sure. She thinks it's what Zach would have said, but it's not what she would have. It's not what she feels. Maybe it's a lie.

She can lie to help Steph, though. She's meant to be very good at lying.]

Because - we shouldn't be alone. He'd have wanted that...

[Is that right...?]

[ She can appreciate that. It's not even really a lie. He wanted to keep both of them safe, and now it's their job to take care of each other. So far Steph's not doing a great job of that, but she has the rations they picked up and a mapped route to meet up with Kesara. That's the best she can do right now - go through the motions. ]

Yeah. We've gotta take care of each other. We will. We'll take care of each other.

We'll take care of each other.

[She says it with more blunt force than with emotion, and she knows - she thinks it might be that way for Steph too, feeling like talking into and through a fog. These words sound like they ought to shine some kind of light. They don't. They can't. There isn't any light.

There's a shape in the darkness, though, of something solid - that's what this is, this kind of promise. Something to put your hand to and keep going.]

You - Steph - you should wash the blood off...

Too cold. Too much work.

[ The words are out before she thinks the better of them. She should be the strong one. She should be the big sister. But it's not just thinking, it's moving through a fog so thick it could be a solid thing. "Like pea soup". Hah. ]

I will. Tomorrow.

[It's too cold that frightens Kesara - terrifies her, right now when the thought of keeping Steph alive keeps rising in her to valiantly block out all the other thoughts and feelings. People get cold and people die. People sit down in the snow and never get up.]

No, you need to do it now or it'll - it'll be bad.

[She'd like it to be a firm instruction. Instead it's clearly begging.]

[ "It'll be bad", she says. And what does Kes know? It's not like she can catch something from having blood all over her. If anything it's the potential scratches under her clothes that she should worry about.

She really should worry about those, shouldn't she. At least a little bit. She sighs and rubs at her temple with one hand. All this crying has given her a fierce headache. ]

Tomorrow. When the sun's up and it's a few degrees warmer. I'll take care of it then.

You have to do it now.

[Still begging, but she begins to find some force. There are tears choking her throat and she can't stop them so she might as well use them. She hates crying. She hates it so much and she doesn't know when she'll ever be able to stop now.]

You have to, please, please. Or tomorrow you might say tomorrow again and then again and then it'll never be better...

[She's not only talking about the blood, though she barely realises that herself.]

[ She starts to protest, and instead just sighs. For a long while she's quiet, head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. ]

It's okay, Kes. I promise. I'll call you at noon tomorrow.

[Kesara has no words for how much she's starting to hate these words, I promise.]

You'd better. [She wants to be angry. Being angry would be so good. So clean.] If you die I'll - if die and Zach comes back - I'll tell him.

[She doesn't think it's going to be an effective threat. But she says it like she means it.]

[ That actually makes her crack half a smile. ]

Deal. But it's not my fault if an anomaly gets me after I call you.

[The smile is wildly unexpected, and feels like an explosion under the ribs. A kind of hope sudden and intense enough to hurt.]

Deal. If it's a real anomaly. If it is then - then we'll wait for you, too.

[IC Inbox -- Snowblind]

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